Before the Start.

I thought it may be important to track the progress I'm about to make with my journey in forgiveness. So as raw as some of this is, anything you find 'wrong', 'horrible', or 'gross' may very well change in time. That is my hope. So here goes...

I suck at forgiving. 

Like, really suck at it. 

I have always sucked at forgiving, especially those I don't love or have hurt me deeply. 

Can't say I like this part of me. Frankly, it makes it very difficult in relationships. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm supposed to forgive. My emotions lie to me and say "But the unfairness of it all!" 

I also hear lies like "If they really loved you, they wouldn't do things like that", "Why do they need forgiveness; they'll just do it again", or "If you forgive them, they'll have power over you and hurt you again." I could probably find valid reasons and experiences where each of these things were true. 

But as I grow, I'm learning that forgiveness isn't for them- it's for you. I remember hearing this line and thinking, "Oh right. Sure. Easier said than done. Is that really even true?"

I, like probably every person I know, have received my fair share of undeserved hurts in this world. I also have probably been (and know I have been) the doer of undeserved hurts in this world. So why does my hurt mean more than others hurt?

It doesn't.

This world is broken. People are broken. Life isn't fair. If it was, I don't think I'd have so much of the goodness I have in this world. But I digress...

So back to this whole 'forgiveness' thing. I'm going to be a Midwesterner for a second and say my next line in a Midwest way: My upbringing was far from perfect and close to broken. I'll leave it at that for now.

I wanted to start my journey of forgiveness because hurt makes me pissed off. Literally, my blood boils. And then there are the tears. Then the deep hollowness in my heart, my soul, and the physical sense in my body. Emotions are a strange thing.

There are two books. One I have started and one I start tonight. "Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve" starts tonight. It starts off with 4 stages of forgiveness: hurt, hate, heal, and reconcile.

As I go along...I will write about my thoughts in the chapters, how it relates to my life, and the applications of it all. I am no expert in this area. I have a Masters in Mental Health Counseling. I can only think this whole process will benefit me in being a counselor and helping others start their journey of forgiveness.

With that... I'll be back later this week to update...maybe even tonight if the first chapter is that good :)