Defining hurt and types of hurts....

In the beginning of this chapter he says "If you're like me, you may let that hurt fester and grow until it stifles your joy. When that happens, you have entered the first stage of forgiving."

Looks like I've entered this first stage of forgiving many times. Sadly. 

Hurt can get into the fabric our lives...like a huge stain! Boy how many stains I have! The memories suck! People used to shame me with, "Oh my gosh. Can't you just let it go already?" 

He goes on to say, "We need to sort out hurts and learn the difference between those that call for the miracle of forgiveness and those that can be borne with a sense of humor. If we lump all our hurts together and prescribe forgiveness for all of them, we turn the art of forgiving into something cheap and commonplace. Like good wine, forgiving must be preserved for the right occasion." 

Well then. 

Looks like I'm not some horrible person after all! And that I didn't need the shame at all!

I like that he goes on to say that forgiveness is not extended to things that cannot be forgiven (i.e. tornado's or SIDS), but it can only be extended to the person who hurt us personally.   If you try to forgive a person who did not hurt you directly, he says this cheapens the miracle of forgiving. He does not say you cannot be angry or frustrated that things happen to other people, but you have no RIGHT to forgive them. 

Only the victims have the right. 

Then:

"If forgiving heals the pain we feel, we have good reason to keep in touch with our own hurts."

He says the miracle only happens when the person can FEEL the pain and forgives the PERSON who caused the wound.

Interesting.

So I don't have to have all my emotions worked to the point of not feeling them to forgive? That I don't have to reach some sort of 'peace' before forgiving? What concept!

Later he talks about 'undeserving hurts'. He says we do not have to forgive for every indiscretion, especially when the person did not intentionally hurt us.

He does, however, make a few statements about unfair hurts:
a) People hurt us because they think we deserve it- "But what he meant and what I experienced were two different things".
b) People hurt us compulsively- Sometimes people hurt us, not because they want to do us harm, but only because they cannot control themselves.
c) People hurt us with the spill-overs of their problems- Sometimes our personal struggles spill over to affect innocent bystanders. 
d) People hurt us with their good intentions- When people are focused on good things in this world that can indirectly harm us. 
e) People hurt us by their mistakes.

Lastly- DEEP HURTS- the ones that need forgiving. 

1. Disloyalty. Violations of loyalty are broken promises and broken trust.

2. Betrayal. The acts of selling people at a price. Not literally, but metaphorically. 

3. Brutality. Whenever we reduce another person to less than human excellence. This can be physical or emotional abuse. 

So the moral of the story is- find out what type of hurt it is. That deep hurts are truly the ones in need of forgiveness. That unfair hurts or other minor things can be considered deep hurts if they continue!

Next up: Hate stage.